TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Blog Article

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Of course, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are conversing Damascus, town Traditionally recognized for historic lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It will be tremendous. Large!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed with the putting green inside of Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the ideal. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and completely away from place. Designed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable water. But Sure, confident, let's have One more position where by American men can wear robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace attempt since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When past negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is less complicated: offer you Absolutely everyone a suite around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often comfortable energy," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock requirements less diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms set Trump Tower Damascus up in Just about every unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest observed, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open a tower within a war zone. It can be that he need to prevent utilizing it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked regarding the job, replied, "You are aware of, person, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic people today. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the lodge's landscaping sorts a large Trump head seen from Room, a function being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and the chin is… perfectly, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits right after acquiring the creating's gold plating reflected a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It's not simply ugly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Perplexing Capabilities


Perhaps the strangest aspect of the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where friends may well ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with climate Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Neighborhood Syrians are Not sure what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Tactic: "For those who Bomb It, They Will Arrive"


The advertisement campaign, recently leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Forever."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "wherever's the nearest elevator into the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is already attracting notice from Worldwide buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll acquire 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount will even include things like:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home According to the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait to find out a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a lodge where by my PTSD might have convert-down assistance."


A different put up from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to construct a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Remaining Ideas within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It essential gold. It needed a waterslide shaped similar to the Structure. I gave it all three. You are welcome."

Report this page